Suit Up!
by HunnyfiedSmuttified
Summary: Set a bit in the future. Nora dumps Barney and Ted is left to pick up the pieces. Sorry about title, can't think well today. Warning: slash and smut and a lot of fluff going on here. :  Just the way I like it.
1. Chapter 1

_ "Kids, this is a story your mom most likely doesn't want me to tell you. But honestly, I think you need to know. Especially because she's out of town and your uncle Barney is coming to visit."_

_ "… Should we be worried, Dad?" _

It's the spring of 2012, and Barney and I are the only ones at McLaren's. Marshall and Lily are too busy taking care of their new baby, and Robin was taking a trip to visit her Dad in Canada.

This left me to take care of an emotionally broken Barney Stinson who won't admit anything was wrong.

"How many times do I have to tell you Ted? _Nothing_ is wrong. Ooh, I just saw a couple of girls with piercings and daddy issues order their drinks. Be my wingman!"

"But you have a girlfriend…"

Barney stiffens, and I catch the hurt in his eyes.

"_Had_ a girlfriend," he mumbles. "But it's awesome, I'm single now. Back on the market for all those poor girls who could look but never touch while Nora was around. This is going to be legen- wait for it - _dary._ Now come on!"

With his usual bravado and almost childlike energy, Barney begins to hit on nearly every girl in sight mercilessly while I sit in the booth and watch. I pull out my cell phone.

_Ring, ring… ring, ring… ri-_

"Ted?"

"Marshall. Nora broke up with Barney." As I talk, I watch Barney begin to order more and more drinks. He gulps one after another, and I'm tempted to go stop him, but I think I'll need back-up.

"Oh my god, is he okay?" Marshall's worried tone sounds in my ear.

I glance over to find Barney with his tongue down some girl's throat and what looks like a tear in his eye.

"Not at all. Can you come to the bar?"

As I finish my sentence I hear the wailing shriek of the littlest Erikson in the background, and wince.

"I'm sorry-" Marshall begins.

"It's fine, seriously. I got this," I interrupt him.

"Okay. Good luck, Ted. Bye."

"Good luck to you too," I smile, hearing Lily scream louder than her baby to get Marshall's attention. "See you later."

Barney stumbles over to me, grinning.

"Did you see that awesomeness? She totally wants me."

I watch amusedly as the poor girl wash out Barney's taste from her mouth with more alcohol.

"Yeah… How much have you had to drink, Barney?"

He sways slightly.

"Not sure… But I think I need more!"

He turns to go back to the bar but somehow trips over his suit pants and crashes dazedly to the floor.

"I'm okay!" He slurs.

"Oh god. Why don't you come back to my apartment for the night? It's closer than yours…"

"Are you trying to get in my pants or something Ted?" Barney asks loudly, attracting the attention of Wendy the waitress who tries hard not to look like a squealing fangirl. He leans in to me, and I can feel his breath brush over my neck.

"'Cause it's kinda working, bro…"

I shudder a little from his proximity, and pull his arm over my shoulder.

"No, Barney, I'm not trying to get in your pants."

"Shame," he yawns, rubbing his eyes adorab- *cough* -tiredly.

"Let's go," I say, and pull him towards the stairs.

As I get Barney up to my room, I notice him begin to sober up. He stops smiling, and frown lines crease his forehead. Deep in thought, he needs a push from me to get him through the door. He collapses on the couch and pats the seat next to him, motioning for me to join him.

I do.

"Barney, is there something wrong?"

"Have you ever wondered why I have so many one-night stands?" He asks abruptly.

"Kinda. I'm also curious as to how you've never contracted an STD, but…"

"I need to tell you something."

"Barney? What is it?"

"I- I think I'm in love with you."

I grin crookedly and hold up a condom.

"Suit up," I tease him, and he stares at me wonderingly.

"You- how- did-"

"Please Barney. 200 women and not one guy? That's a little suspicious," I smile, and wave the condom back and forth a little.

In all honesty, I've suspected this for a while. Barney told Lily, the only one of us that he trusts with things like this, who in turn told me.

_*Flashback Whoosh Thing*_

"_-But don't you dare make fun of him!"_

"_Lily, please. Of course I won't."_

"_And don't make him your 'experiment with homosexuality' either! He's fragile!" Lily's mothering nature astounds me sometimes. I thing her affection for our blonde friend comes from the time she spend living in his apartment. They've been closer because of it._

"_I promise. I won't do anything to hurt him. He's too… _awesome_ for that."_

_My sincerity makes her pause. _

"_Well okay, then."_

_*End Flashback Whoosh Thing*_

His brow furrows as he takes in my reaction, my acceptance, and then scrunches in close to me. His hand finds my jaw, and strokes there lightly before pulling my face towards his own. His lips meet mine, and they're softer than I would have thought. He melds himself to me, and I feel the results of a weekly gym regimen through his layers of foreign silks and fabrics. I move my lips gently down his jaw as he makes himself at home in my lap. His legs hook around my back, and he situates himself flush against me, his erection rubbing against my own as I mark him as my own with little bruising hickeys along his neck.

He mewls and sighs softly with each kiss I press to his heated flesh. His blue eyes are closed, and I see a flush crawl across his cheeks when I pause in my ministrations.

Scooping him up into an unsteady standing position, I lead him by the hand to my bedroom. He crawls onto my bed, pulling off his suit jacket, and I take it from his hands, hanging it up in the closet. I know about his relationship with his suits. It's bordering on both creepy and adorable, and I will adhere to it for as long as he does.

Apparently my actions are a turn on for Barney, as he gives a bit of a growl and practically pulls me down onto the bed. Before I can realize what's happening, my shirt is gone, and Barney is licking and sucking at my bare collar bone.

"Ah! Fuck, Barney…"

"That's the plan," he mumbles against my flesh.

Now I see why he gets laid so much. He's too quick; the girls can't protest with their shirts off and his mouth on their bare flesh. I know I can't.

"Mmm…" I sigh softly, and stretch out further across my bed as Barney's hot mouth travels further down my chest and stomach, pausing to lick at my navel. I shiver a little, and tug at his hair gently to get him to kiss my lips again. He complies, and while he's occupied, I work on undoing his tie and the fiddly buttons on his shirt. Soon he's as shirt-less as I am, and I slide my hands across the planes of his chest, marveling at how soft his downy blond hair is.

"Ah… ah… mmm…" Barney pants and sighs into my mouth, and I love just how vocal he is.

He breaks our kiss to smirk at me and his hands sweep over my skin, leaving lingering trails of heat and arousal. Finally his slim fingers find my pants, and dip teasingly into the waistband of my boxers, pulling softly at the hair there and spreading across my flesh.

He soon divests me of my pants, and I return the favor enthusiastically. Now he's the one laying back while I work over him, littering love-bites along the pale flesh of his chest and neck. I move further than he does however, and I strip off his boxers eagerly.

"Ted…" Barney moans a little, his hands moving as if to cover himself. I pull his hands away, trapping his wrists at his sides while I lean my head down and lick a broad strip along the underside of his erection.

"Oh, god!"He groans lowly, his hands reaching up to tangle themselves in my hair.

I look up and grin.

"Nope, just me."

"That is so _lame _ohmigod!" I block out his insult by taking the head of his dripping cock into my mouth, swirling around the juices leaking out, sucking them down and using my tongue to lap at the slit.

"How the… _fuck!_... Do you know how to do this…" He moans, his last word coming out as a hiss as I further service his rock hard penis.

I remove my mouth momentarily, replacing it with my hand.

"College."

With his question answered, I start to take more and more of his dick into my mouth, using my hand to stimulate the part I can't quite reach. I use my other hand to rub and pull at the slightly cool flesh of his balls, and he moans again and again.

His breathing is getting heavier and heavier and he's crying out even more now, calling my name and using quite a few curse words. With the effects of alcohol and arousal muddling Barney's thinking capacity, I only have his sharp intake of breath as a warning for the fact that he's coming.

My mouth and throat are suddenly splashed with hot liquid, and I gulp it down greedily, licking the rest that escaped from my lips. Barney is practically asleep already as I let go of his now flaccid penis and crawl up beside him in the bed.

He turns and hugs me, pulling himself up against my body with his head on my chest. I can feel his heightened heartbeat against my side, and try not to focus on the pain of my erection against the fabric of my boxers. The smell of come coupled with the feeling of Barney's amazing body pressed against mine… It's a little too much.

"J-just… wait a few minutes…" He says, looking up at me with sobered, loving eyes that let me know I won't regret this later. "I'll give you the fucking of your life once I catch my breath."

"Who says you're going to be on top?" I ask playfully.

He growls and rolls away from me. Before I can realize what's happening, my hands are tied above my head with Barney's tie, and I have a teasing, slick finger circling my entrance lazily.

"How did you know where my lube was?" I ask, trying hard not to moan at the sensation of Barney's finger.

"Lucky guess. I keep mine in the same place."

The thought of Barney masturbating makes me blush, and he hums to himself, watching my face turn red.

"You're really cute when you blush…"

"Shut up! I thought bros don't call each other cute."

"We don't. But you're not a bro right now. You're my lover…"

He croons the word softly, and I have to tear my eyes away from the intense emotion I see in his eyes. It's unsettling. I almost want Barney to start blathering about some chick he banged in this very position, but he doesn't. I'm glad. It would ruin the mood.

Before I can realize it, Barney has worked three fingers inside of me, and is wriggling them around in circles, searching.

"To… ah… To the left…" I moan, and he obeys, finding my prostate immediately.

"Mmm… Ted, you're so tight…" Barney slicks up his erection, and presses the head in carefully, sighing as he does so, letting out his breath in one long whoosh of air.

"More…" I groan, trying and failing to use my own body to push Barney further into me.

He chuckles, a low throaty sound, and pushes all the way inside of me, filling me completely and rubbing roughly against my prostate.

"Move," I command, and wrap my legs around his waist, thankful that he hadn't tied them down.

He begins a fast pace, snapping his hips roughly inside of me. One of his hands finds its way to my cock, and he begins to pump me in time with his thrusts.

"Barney, Barney, Barney…" I chant. "Oh, fuck… _fuck!_"

He grins at my words and goes faster, egged on by my moans and shouts. He changes angles slightly, and hits the little, sensitive bundle of nerves inside of me dead on repeatedly until I'm a shaking moaning mess, begging for release.

"Bar- Barney! Make me come…" I pant.

He just smiles again, and with one last tug on my penis and one last thrust to my prostate, I come, screaming his name and arching my back clear off the bed.

"Ted…" He grunts, and comes too, filling me entirely with his seed.

He pulls out and lies down next to me the way I had before. He wraps me in his arms and I fall asleep, sticky with his come and with my head on his chest.

**This is literally my favourite pairing ever. I'm an avid HIMYM fan, and I love the idea of these two boys getting it on! Oh, and whoever reviews with the name of the show I shamelessly stole lines from for this gets cookies… (Yes I mixed 'em up, it wouldn't work otherwise…)**

**Yeah, crazy author talking to an invisible audience about a show they probably have never seen before … Lalala…**

**OH, and I may do some sort of follow-up chapter. If I get... let's see… fifteen reviews for this, I'll do a second chapter. That's not exactly a ton, I know, but it's a lot to me! **


	2. Chapter 2

**Hey y'all! Okay, I got eleven reviews, but I'm going to keep writing anyways for those eleven people who found my story worthy enough of a comment. Hope this is what you're looking for! Oh, and you may want to re-read the last chapter.**

_"Awww… That's so sweet!"_

_ "Thanks, honey."_

_ "Really, sis? You think it's sweet?"_

_ "Yeah! Dad's telling us how he met his boyfriend! It's so cute! Are you going to tell us about how you divorced mom and everything?"_

_ "Of course."_

Light was filtering in through my window, and I tried to squeeze my eyes shut tighter than they were before. I stretch, yawning, and reach a hand out beside me to find Barney.

My hand find empty sheets.

My eyes jerk open and I whip my head around, trying to find him. My mind is racing with a hundred scenarios. Barney isn't really gay, he was just drunk. He actually _is_ gay, but realized I'm not his type. Barney is freaked out at the thought of having a real relationship. Barney is freaked out by the thought of having a real relationship with _me…_

However, I find a short, handwritten note on my bedside table.

_Went to get coffee and bagels. Don't pull a Ted; I'll be right back._

_ -Barney_

I finish reading the little scrap of paper and stumble out of bed with a very goofy grin on my face, my worries fading quickly. Stepping gingerly into the living room, I make my way to the shower. I strip, feeling deliciously sore and satisfied. It had been ages since I had last had sex, and sex with Barney had been mind-blowingly good. Hmm. Blowing. Heh. Like last night.

Anyways. I'm matting my hair with thick shampoo, enjoying the feeling of the bubbles slipping down my skin, when I hear the door to the bathroom open.

"Barney?" I call, pausing.

The shower curtain is pulled aside, and a very cheerful, very naked Barney suddenly has his arms around me.

"Hey Ted," he purrs, and the sound goes straight to my groin.

"Stop," I protest weakly as he senses my arousal and pushes me against the wall of the shower, slamming our hips together in an intoxicating, grinding rhythm. "I… ahhh… have class in an hour. I can't be late… or horny… mmm…"

Barney just presses his lips to mine, and we both moan as Barney's hips catch mine at _just_ the right angle.

"How about this, then?" He asks, his big blue eyes holding my gaze as he kneels down in front of me, his lips slightly puffy and red from our kissing.

"Barney!" I gasp as he licks a thick stripe up the underside of my penis, still keeping eye contact.

"Yes?" He says, removing his mouth from my body.

"K-keep going!"

Barney complies, sucking the very tip of my penis into his talented mouth. He take more of me in gradually, gliding his tongue along the bottom of my dick, tracing the vein there over and over as he continues to suck me off. I throw my head back against the tile and close my eyes, threading my fingers through his downy soft hair.

"Barney! Fuck… mmm…. god, yes!" I can't help but cry out; the feeling of his mouth on me is over stimulating and I want more. I'm so focused on the sensations and my body feels hot and languid.

Barney's teeth scrape over my penis just a little, jarring me and making my hips buck against my will into his mouth, and he takes it, letting me fuck his mouth for a while before he abruptly pulls off.

"Look at me," Barney demands, his voice hoarse and oh-so sexy.

I open my eyes and peer down at my friend-turned-lover. He's splayed on the white tiles, his legs spread to show just a peek of his puckered, dusky pink hole and his rock hard prick, nestled against his stomach. His blue eyes have darkened with lust, his pupils blown wide, and his blonde hair is mussed up and dark from the water still pouring from the shower head.

"God, you're sexy," I moan, and he grins wickedly at me before sucking me into his mouth again. I'm already close, and as I look down again to see that blonde head taking my penis into his mouth, I come violently.

My world goes white, and I blank for a minute, completely forgetting where I am and what my name is. I sense movement beside me, and snap my eyes open.

Barney's standing up, and I can see that he tried to swallow as much of my sperm as possible, but has failed. I see thick, white strands of my come dripping from his rosy lips, and I surge forwards to kiss him.

I taste myself on him, and it's strangely erotic, but I have to stop before I'm late.

I break apart from the kiss and murmur his name.

"I need to get dressed…"

"I know."

"I'm sorry I can't…"

"It's fine," He says sweetly. "I came already."

His words give me pause.

"From sucking me off?" I ask, disbelieving.

He nods, and I groan like a bitch in heat.

"God, that's hot."

He smiles a shit-eating grin and gestures to the shampoo.

"You should finish washing. I'll leave you alone."

I grab his wrist as he turns to go and pull him to me for a long, tender kiss.

"I need to get clean clothes from my apartment, but I'll see you later," he promises once I relinquish possession of his lips.

"M'kay. Bye."

I sigh and finish getting ready. When I leave the apartment, Barney's gone, but he had left a sticky note with a heart drawn on it stuck to the door.

When I come home after a long day of lecturing and trying to get that morning's shower episode out of my head, Barney's waiting for me. He immediately stands when I walk through the door, and practically throws himself at me, kissing me senseless. If I wasn't so surprised, I might have teased him for the look of near desperation as he launches himself at me.

"You know…" I say later, after an intense make-out session that had ended in frottage and orgasms for the two of us. "I don't think I've ever seen you think affectionate. I mean, are you ever this… well… caring to a girl after you have sex?"

"Not really." He answers, tangling his fingers further into my hair as he holds me closer. "With guys, though… I don't know. With guys, the sex is always just so amazing, and I feel like I need to be an awesome person in _and_ out of the sack."

I hum in response, intrigued but sleepy and content from the head massage Barney is currently treating me to.

A few hours (and many more kisses) later, we summon enough energy to go McLaren's for a drink with Marshall and Lily.

The bar is buzzing with people, but the four of us still manage to snag our booth. We settle in, and Barney and I give each other a look. We telepathically agree to tell the Eriksons about our new relationship, but before I can even open my mouth, Lily is gabbing excitedly to me about this girl that she's met who would be an _amazing_ girlfriend.

"…she's smart, funny, and likes all the same weird music you do!"

_That's great Lily… too bad I've already found my soulmate._ I think to myself, wanting to simply bury my head in my hands. Instead I opt for sliding my foot out of its shoe and into Barney's lap. His eyes meet mine over the table, and I smirk a little.

"… so will you go out with her?"

Lily's words puncture the nice little bubble of intimacy Barney and I have been sharing, and I look up, startled.

"Actually… Lily, I-"

"Please, Ted! She's been really upset since she got divorced…"

_Well… It's just one date… _I decide.

"Sure, Lily." I sigh. "But don't expect me to get married to her or anything.

Much later, after several other beers and some toe-curlingly sexy kisses from Barney, he asks why I agreed to go out with Lily's friend.

"I mean, you already have a boyfriend-"

"I do?" I ask, glancing up at him shyly.

He just gives me a look.

"Okay, okay, I do. I just… I guess I wanted Lily and that girl to be happy… You're not mad, right?"

"No, just as long as it's me you're coming home to afterwards. No hanky-panky, Moseby. You're such a people pleaser, though. It's like… you constantly want approval from people that don't even really matter..."

"Oh?" I challenge. "So Lily doesn't matter?"

"Not as much as I do…"

"Wait…" I murmur, pondering something. "Lily knows that you're gay and that you like me-"

"Love you," Barney interjects.

"Fine, that you're gay and that you _love_ me," I shiver a little at the words, "so why did she want to set me up on a date with another girl?"

"I don't think she thinks I have enough courage to ask you out. Even though I already did…" Barney's chest puffs out a bit in pride.

"Actually, I don't think you ever asked me out… Or asked me to be your boyfriend for that matter." I tease, and his face falls comically. "But I would've said yes to both anyways."

"Well, it's one date with this girl. It's not like I'll leave you for her."

"Good," he breathes, leaning in close to tenderly press his lips against mine. I revel in the softness of his mouth moving, and open my own when his tongue laps against the seam of my lips. His slick tongue caresses and explores the dark wet cavern of my mouth, and I suppress a moan as he begins to trail kisses along my jaw line, leaving me delightfully dizzy and turned-on.

I squirm uncomfortably as I adjust my shirt. I cannot wait for this date to be over so I can go home and fuck the living daylights out of Barney. He's been asking for it. Literally, actually. He says he doesn't want to top all the time, which sounds fine to me. I don't really feel like being the one writhing and moaning under his ministrations all the time.

I feel a tap on my shoulder as I begin to image all the different positions I want to try while buried deep in Barney's ass, and I turn quickly, thinking of dead babies and naked grandmothers to keep myself from getting too horny.

"Hi. Are you Ted?" The girl asks, smiling up at me.

"Yes…" I say, looking her over. She's pretty, with her long brown hair and blue eyes, but not like  
>Barney. This girl is comely, Barney is spectacularly ethereal and gorgeous.<p>

As the night goes on, however, I find myself liking this girl. She's sweet, kind, and has a wicked sense of humor. She tells me all about her husband, who she refers to as 'Dickhead' partially because his name is Richard, partially because she found him in her bed with another woman, her male cousin Johnny, and their labradoodle.

"Peanut butter _everywhere_…" She says, spluttering with laughter at the absurdity of it all, and I laugh too. She's strong, I note. Not everyone can get over something like that.

We end up having a great meal, and I'm honestly glad that I agreed to a date with her. I'm still hoping to be able to screw Barney six ways to Sunday when I get home, but this girl seems like a good friend.

We share a taxi, and she gets out of the cab first.

"I had a great time tonight," she says, smiling.

"I did too." I respond, happy that my words aren't lies. She leans in and gives me a peck on the cheek, and I wave goodbye as she walks up the stairs to her building.

Barney's waiting for me when I get home.

"How was it?" He asked from his position on my couch where he appears to be writing in his blog. He shared it with me once. He had entries dating back to when he was a teenager, and I had spent hours reading them all. Barney never stops surprising me.

"It was fun," I say, snuggling up next to him on the sofa. "She was really interesting."

"That's good…" He hums absentmindedly. I nuzzle his neck and play with the zipper of his jeans.

"Are you almost done? 'Cause I had a few things I wanted to try in the bedroom…"

Blue eyes meet mine, and I see a swirl of emotions in them for a moment before lust fights its way to the surface.

"What did you have in mind?"

"Didn't anyone ever teach you? Show, not tell."

I take his hand and lead him to my bedroom, shoving him onto my bed before straddling him and kissing him senseless. I grind into him, swiping my tongue around his mouth, dominating him completely. He hums, pushing his hips back into mine. I pull off his shirt, sucking and biting at his nipples.

I break away, and roll off of him, rummaging through my bedside table. I return to Barney, smirking happily as I dangle the handcuffs in from of his face.

"You naughty boy," He breathes, grinning back.

"I think you're the naughty one…" I tease, sliding the metal up his bare chest. "I may have to punish you."

"Nnngh… Please do…" He groans, arching his back into me.

I pull him to his knees and clip the handcuffs around my headboard. He twists his head over his shoulder, pouting up at me like a child being scolded.

"Well?" He says impertinently, and I answer by pulling down his suit pants. They pool around his knees, exposing his round, pert ass. His cheeks clench and relax, and I smack one of them, smirking when he moans and whimpers.

"Hmmm…" I say. "I guess you like it rough."

He wiggles his ass in response.

I find the lube and slick up my fingers. Barney just looks so… inviting spread before me like this. I'm still fully clothed, while he's stripped bare, completely vulnerable to me with his hands tied and his ass in the air. I twist my fingers into Barney's rectum, and he groans, pushing himself back onto my fingers.

"Slut." I state simply.

"You know you love it," Barney pants.

I stretch him further, until his whimpers and flushed cheeks arouse me to the point of pain. I unbuckle my jeans, only bothering to pull my now erect penis out of its confines so I can slowly push into Barney's slick, tight heat.

I push all the way in and pause, waiting for him to give me the signal to start moving. He begins to shift his hips, and I smack his ass in response.

"No," I growl.

I pull out almost all the way before slamming back in, scraping along Barney's prostate if his immediate whine is anything to go by. I keep up a hard, fast pace. The only sounds in the room are Barney's little sex noises and the slap of my skin against his.

It's not long before Barney's coming with a loud shout of my name. His come coats my duvet, long ropes of white sperm spurting from his dick. The sight of Barney completely letting go, coupled with the feeling of his anus tightening around my penis, causes me to come violently inside of Barney, painting his insides with my seed.

Even though I feel like simply collapsing from exhaustion, I pull out of Barney and unclip his from the handcuffs before pulling his prone against me and falling asleep.

**Welp, I hope you all liked this. Review if you did! I'm hoping for… 15 more reviews before I keep going. I think I like writing this. If you all keep reviewing… I'll keep going! **


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